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Dear Dr. Debi,
I am working pretty hard at work and on the house. But no one seems to
notice. The kids are off playing or fighting and my partner only does
big projects every few weeks. It just seems I am carrying the load all
the time and they come and go. I am developing an attitude and don’t
know how to shake it. Any ideas?
Signed, Resentful
Dear Daily Do-er,
It sounds like a busy home with many directions in play at once.
Sometimes the chaotic layers for all of the people can be noisy,
disjointed, and confusing. We might seek harmony and coordination, but
somehow the rest of the world does not play into our agenda. Frustration
can breed the kind of bitterness you are finding. But we can step back
and look at the whole picture. Yes, see your part but also notice the
purposes of the other routines that flow in this home too. It will fit
together differently when we see their share in the progress of the
home.
First, we need to understand that people have different styles of effort
in working toward a goal. Some folks are plodders who put their shoulder
to the wheel every day and move the cart along. You do your regular work
and also propel yourself into the new tasks regularly. You see progress
every day, even if it is a few more square feet of wallpaper removed.
You use discipline to focus on the project frequently and it becomes
routine. You pride yourself in your ability to stay on track.
Then there are other folks and their styles too.
Some folks sprint and rest. They build up interest in a project over
time and then plunge in. Likely they are pre-planning their materials,
cuts, work flow, and sequencing while preparing. But that is in their
heads and invisible to you, so you do not know they are engaging while
you are plodding. Their commitment will not be evident until you see
them putting hammer to nail. But actually, communication might help you
see that you are both on the job.
Your impatience with needing it to show overlooks the importance of
planning, preparing, and also letting your partner use their own style
that works for them. When you notice those as important steps in their
process, you will give them more credit and resent them less.
Kids – of course are a different animal. If yours are busy and running
about, they sound healthy. A good renovating family allows the children
the opportunity to be kids most of the time and occasionally enlists
them in focused activities for home improvement. If you insist they work
all the time they will certainly resent the projects and miss out on
their childhood development.
The children also need you available for their needs too. If you are
spending all available time on the kitchen overhaul, are you taking time
to play with the kids, to listen to their stories and woes? Are you
stimulating their play toward teamwork and cooperation?
Your focus and inner landscape are indeed important. When you understand
and cherish the unique and different qualities of your diverse team, you
will be more at ease about their movement through the tasks and flow of
the week. You see their needs, not just in relation to the projects but
in life overall: their need to balance rest and stimulation, their love
of life and for fun. Our projects are meant to add to that picture not
replace all the personal needs and development.
When you ‘get it’ that they do not need to style all their efforts your
way, when you honor their pace and balance in your mind, and relent your
expectations, you will find it more noisy and complicated – but more
peaceful for yourself. The other folks do not need to be doing it your
way on your schedule in order to get credit for being on the team’s
roster. This can be a pretty tense attitude to break, but you can arm
wrestle yourself and win. You can just say to yourself, “They will do it
their in style and we each are different but we each contribute.” There,
now breathe and reward yourself for this tense lesson.
Next – comes the challenge that will solidify the change for you –
praise them.
Find the others busy with their own thing and notice how they like it,
what they are getting out of it. Maybe it is a project task, but even if
not, if they are seeking amusement, just figure out how to say something
nice about it. If you praise that, you will start to see their point of
view, their joy, their balance. You will honor it and grow in your inner
understanding of this team. You will stop judging their use of time and
instead share in the delight they bring to the home. You want the
projects you do together to spring from joy, so plant it!
Happy Home Team!
Dr. Debi |
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